My Monday Morning In Rio

Well, I am sure I do not know what I was thinking, signing up for a Brazilian wax at 9:00 a.m. on the Monday morning following a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend. I guess in a way, I wasn't fully awake when it began, so that at least helped me to get my pants down with no inhibition. And what exactly did she mean by "Oh yes, that is some nice growth you have here; I can work with this."

Fortunately, the lights in the room were dim, with just a spotlight on my undercarriage. It was hot in the room, though, and I was sweating before we even got started. Then I just began my out of body experience when she said, "OK now bend your knees and touch your feet together", as the first slathering of hot wax went on. What really troubled me was that she wanted to discuss Thanksgiving and Black Friday and the pepper spray incident at that California Wal-Mart throughout all of this. I tuned her out, or changed the subject to note how similar getting a Brazilian wax and running a marathon are: comic painfulness, hitting a wall and wanting to quit, 90% mental, etc. And then, with no warning, she'd rip the wax off. I couldn't even brace for it because I had no idea when it was about to come! I am not sure if that worked to my advantage or not, but I nearly vomited with each rip. The pain was so severe and intense that I found myself with little tears rolling down my cheeks, yet also was laughing. I relied on her coaching, "You're doing GREAT!! No big patches left!"

So last time (and also my first time) that I went for a wax, I did hit the wall and said that was enough. I could not take anymore. This girl today went a lot faster, so I actually went through with all of it. And I gotta say, for some of those really close/inner ones, I am quite certain that she just ripped my labia right off. I think I actually screamed out during those. And, then for the grand finale, she had me hug my knees up into my chest so, you know, she could do my backside. Seriously, this is NOT an appropriate position to be in at this hour. However, that seemed to be the easiest part - 4 quick strips and then we were done.

By the end of all of this, I was light-headed, nauseous, and drenched in sweat, and little shreds of the sweat-soaked piece of butcher paper I was laying on were stuck all over the back of my shirt (as I discovered upon getting out of my car at work). Classy.

This should last me until 2012, but now I am certain that this is an afternoon activity, and a truly heroic effort on my part if I do say so myself. Glory Be.

P.S. Her name was Amber. HA.